AFC Wimbledon are looking for Terry Brown’s successor by advertising online.
Never one to shy away from a challenge, I’ve just applied for the job via email.
You can read my covering letter below…
From: Chris Cahill
Subject: Manager vacancy
Date: 22 September, 2012
I would like to apply for the vacant managerial post at your club. I have a strong background in the footballing sphere and could add great value to your team.
From childhood through to university days, I enjoyed a distinguished career in the simulation world of Championship Manager.
I won domestic titles at both Nottingham Forest and Leicester City, before tasting European glory with Tottenham Hotspur.
I even took England to the semi-final of World Cup ’98, but unfortunately lost 3-0 to Argentina after Chris Sutton’s red card.
However, my proudest achievement came with the 2003-04 version, which saw me take hometown club Oxford United from Division Three obscurity to a fourth-place Premier League finish.
Sir Alex Ferguson may have failed to get much from David Bellion’s spell at Old Trafford, but under my guidance the Frenchman was banging in 40+ goals-per-season.
I also have a track record of unearthing hidden gems who go onto international stardom. Notably, my captain Jon Ashton progressed to also skipper England, while Chris Hackett usurped David Beckham on the Three Lions right wing.
I guess you could say I’m a great motivator and superb man-manager.
Les Ferdinand was my trusted No.2 during these heady days and he would be my first choice to come on board as assistant.
However, if he’s unavailable, my mate Will might be able to quit his job at Waterstone’s.
Regrettably, Les and I presided over a narrow 2-1 defeat to Juventus in the UEFA Cup final.
Things were never quite the same after that fateful Amsterdam night, and I retired from Champ Man in 2005.
As such, I’ve had little day-to-day involvement with any club for the past seven years but I am keen to get back into the routine.
In recent times, I’ve supplemented my love of the game by competing in the official Premier League Fantasy Football.
Kiss My Assou-Ekotto have had a tricky start to the season, currently sitting fourth (out of five) in the League of Gentlemen.
However, I played a blinder with my transfer wildcard last week, signing Demba Ba, Eden Hazard and Carlos Tevez, so hopefully we’ll be climbing the table soon enough.
In 2009-10 we finished runners-up to Roque Santa Loser, coached by arch-rival Nitin Vyas, but I am confident we can go one better and reign supreme this year.
However, I must stress that I would be willing to delete my online account in order to focus on mounting a serious promotion challenge with AFC Wimbledon, should I get the job.
Last month, I even dusted off my boots to play in the Hakimi Trophy – a mini five-a-side tournament organised as part of a friend’s stag do.
My team lost heavily in both of our matches but we gave more-or-less 110%, which is the minimum I will demand from Dons players.
I currently write for a football website and, therefore, think I would be pretty adept at dealing with pesky journos in press conferences.
I would, however, strive to keep reporters on-side as winning the media war seems to be half the battle these days.
In 2001, I was an extra in the movie Mike Bassett: England Manager. Although not real life, I definitely picked up some top tips from Ricky Tomlinson’s no-nonsense style and moustache.
Whilst at uni, I also worked as a part-time bingo caller (2004-06). Thus, I am good with numbers and should be able to easily juggle wage bills/transfer budgets.
Additionally, my blog, CulturedMidfielder.wordpress.com, has the tagline ‘armchair punditry at its best’, which should give you a clue as to my analytical prowess.
I certainly feel I have the right experience and credentials to successfully fill your vacant post and hope that you consider me for the role.
I look forward to hearing from you.